Category Archives: Growth Mindset

From People-Pleasing to Self-Trust: How to Come Back to Yourself

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The question was straightforward, and the answer should have been easy. But as my mind flipped through the options, my thoughts weren’t focused on what I wanted. Instead, I was preoccupied with making the right choice, the one least likely to cause tension.

Yes, my partner had asked where I wanted to go. But over time, I learned that answering honestly often came with consequences. My choice might be questioned, dismissed, or turned into a debate. If I tried to stand my ground, I spent the rest of the evening on edge—hyper-aware of the service, the food, the noise, and even the temperature—waiting for something to go wrong.

More often than not, I avoided deciding altogether. Ironically, my indecision led to being told I was boring or had no opinion at all.

I hadn’t always been this way. Up to my early twenties, I was known as feisty and opinionated. I knew what I wanted and went after it with quiet determination. In fact, it was this confidence and strength that initially drew my partner to me when we met during freshman orientation in college and, not long into our marriage, became a source of tension.

Over time, frequent arguments, distorted facts, and the constant questioning of my judgment chipped away at my confidence. I became anxious and second-guessed myself constantly.

Keeping the peace in our household became my primary focus, and I went to great lengths to ensure that my partner’s needs were met.

With my awareness focused outward, I slowly lost touch with my inner guidance. My survival instincts kicked into high gear, and I became the quintessential people-pleaser.

This way of being spilled into my professional life. I believed everyone was smarter, more capable, and better skilled than I was. Whether setting a strategy or executing a project, I overthought every action, wavered on each decision, and deferred to the person with the most authority.

In my personal life, my relationships became one-sided. Convinced I was rigid, quiet, and generally uninteresting, I slipped into the role of the easy, low-maintenance friend. I believed that if I expressed disagreement or had strong preferences, the relationship would fall apart.

Eventually, I extracted myself from my partner and moved back to my hometown. It was through reuniting with old friends that I clearly saw the person I had become. Having known me before my descent into survival mode, they were surprised by what they saw—my hesitation, my lack of opinions, the way I seemed to shrink from simple preferences.

Through their eyes, I remembered the person I used to be. And I recognized how far I had drifted from myself. Though painful, that realization gave me hope. If I had learned to constantly ask myself, “What will keep the peace?” perhaps I could learn to ask myself a different question instead: “What feels true for me right now?”

If you are feeling a dawning realization that the person you are now feels smaller than the person you once were, know this is not because you’re weak. It is because somewhere along the way, you learned that shrinking felt safer than standing firm. And if you are wondering what life could be like if you began to notice your preferences and voiced your opinion, read on.

Rebuilding Self-Trust

Use your body as a barometer. 

Asking yourself, “What feels true for me right now?” is a powerful question. However, I found myself so out of touch with my wants, needs, and desires that the answer often dissolved into a whirlpool of options and consequences.

In an effort to move beyond my confused mind, I turned my attention to my body. A tightness in my chest often meant I was about to agree to something that didn’t feel right. A wave of nausea signaled an emotional response that wasn’t aligned with my true feelings.

By practicing tuning into your body, you can begin to pause long enough to notice these physical signals. And they will become a quiet guide, helping you interrupt the automatic urge to override yourself.

Start with low-stakes decisions. 

With time and practice, I began using the physical sensations as guides to what I wanted. I was surprised to discover that I still had desires, needs, and opinions. They hadn’t disappeared—they had simply been buried.

But getting re-acquainted with myself was one thing. Using my voice to express what I discovered was another. Speaking up didn’t feel natural. It didn’t feel safe.

So I started slowly. I identified the people in my life who would be least likely to push back or dismiss my preferences. I also made sure I didn’t overwhelm my budding decision-making ability by burdening it with anything too heavy.

I chose a friend I’d known for twenty-five years as a starting point. Reaching out with a dinner invitation, I included the phrase “I’m really in the mood for Italian.” As my truth rolled off my tongue, I had to resist adding the caveat “but whatever you prefer.“

During dinner I paid close attention to my body and the impulses that surfaced, including the urge to ensure that the evening went smoothly, as if the efficiency of the service, the quality of the food, and even my friend’s experience rested on my shoulders.

As you begin this process, you may notice how strong your habitual hypervigilance can be. The weight of trying not to make the “wrong” decision can feel paralyzing, and the impulse to pull back may be almost overwhelming. But with each small, honest choice, that intensity begins to soften. What once felt dangerous starts to feel possible.

Practice disappointing others without abandoning yourself.

As I expanded into my rediscovered self-awareness, inevitably conflict arose and cooperation was required. I was pleased to discover that I could compromise what I wanted to allow someone else’s needs to be met without losing myself. In fact, the act of cooperation felt light and giving, which created a stark contrast to the heavy feeling that accompanied decisions that went against my best interests.

But even with a cooperative mindset, there were times when asserting my needs disappointed others.

I had attended a close friend’s destination wedding. The weekend was full of fun and laughter, and I enjoyed myself immensely. However, by the time Sunday evening rolled around, I was socially exhausted.

The plan was to go to dinner, but the idea of sitting in a noisy restaurant and holding conversations was mentally and emotionally taxing for me. I shared my truth with my friend, who immediately supported my request not to go to dinner.

In an emboldened state, I communicated my needs to the group that had gathered, preparing to leave. Most greeted the news with neutral emotion, but one person did not like my position and attempted to bully me into changing my mind. I did my best to express myself, but she remained on the attack, fixed in a place of personal offense.

This moment was difficult but presented an opportunity for me to dive further into self-knowing and trust. In that moment, I realized something important: someone else’s disappointment does not mean I have done something wrong. The discomfort I felt wasn’t a sign that I should abandon myself. It was simply the unfamiliar sensation of choosing myself.

Rebuilding self-trust isn’t about bold declarations or grand reinventions. It’s about quiet check-ins, small pauses, deliberate decisions, and allowing yourself to move through others’ disappointments and remaining in your place of truth. Self-trust is rebuilt in ordinary moments and seemingly inconsequential decisions.

If you feel out of touch with your wants and desires, know that this part of you is not gone. It is waiting for you to tune back in. Each time you do, you return a little closer to yourself. And that is how you move from responding from a place of fear to a place of self-trust.

When Your Kindness Flows Easily to Others but Not to Yourself

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There it was—glaringly obvious on the page. An embarrassing typo stared back at me from the backside of a brochure I’d received from the printer. A brochure I wrote, laid out, and yes, gave the final sign-off to produce.

My stomach tightened as tears welled up in my eyes.

“You idiot,” I screamed silently at myself.

In an instant, flashes of similar mistakes I’d made over the course of a long career in communications rushed in, piling onto the present moment and creating a familiar haze of self-loathing. Thoughts that began with “If only” and ended with “You know better” swirled through my mind, untethered from any sense of proportion.

I knew I was coming down on myself far harder than necessary. Considering the sheer volume of print material I’d produced over the years, errors were rare. But as a perfectionist, each one landed heavily—especially when I could see, in hindsight, where I’d put deadlines ahead of process.

When will I learn? the voice continued.

A default setting had been triggered. For days afterward, that single typo colored everything I did, quietly tainting my perspective.

But work mistakes weren’t the only place my inner critic showed up.

Once, during a disagreement with my partner, I argued my point relentlessly. Even as the conversation unfolded, I could feel a small, uncomfortable knowing that I was wrong—or at least not entirely right. Still, I doubled down. Being correct mattered more than being honest, more than being fair.

The moment passed, but the feeling lingered. Hours later I replayed the exchange, wincing at my stubbornness. I could see how my need to protect my ego had overridden my integrity. The self-talk that followed was brutal: Why couldn’t you just admit you were wrong? Why do you always have to win?

Another time, I justified being curt with someone who had irritated me. I told myself they deserved it. I was tired. I had a lot going on. My reaction, I reasoned, was understandable.

Except later, it didn’t feel that way.

Long after the irritation faded, a familiar heaviness set in. I didn’t feel righteous—I felt small. I replayed my tone, my words, the look on their face. And once again, my inner critic seized the moment, cataloging the interaction as evidence of my shortcomings.

Fast forward to a recent dinner with a long-time friend—one of the kindest people I know, and also one of the most trusting. Left unchecked, that trust has brought her some hard lessons: a verbal agreement with a landscaper that gave her no recourse and money lent to a coworker who quietly disappeared are two examples.

She isn’t incapable of learning. Over time, she’s put safeguards in place to help her pause and check her instincts—and often, those efforts have paid off.

That night, she was unusually quiet.

When I asked how she was doing, she said she was fine. When I gently pressed, she told me what had happened. Someone had messaged her, claiming they’d accidentally sent money to her account through a digital payment app. She checked, saw the funds, and immediately sent them back—only to discover later the transaction was fraudulent.

“I didn’t think,” she said, her voice heavy. “I’m such an idiot. I know better.”

As she spoke, her fists clenched and tapped against the table. I reached across and gently wrapped my hands around hers, stopping their motion—and her spiral.

“Hey,” I said. “You’ve made real progress spotting scams and questioning people’s motives. This was a stumble, not a slide backward. Think of it as a reminder to slow down and use the tools you already have.”

In the midst of reassuring my friend, a nagging question surfaced.

Why don’t I speak to myself as kindly as I speak to others?

Perhaps you’ve had a similar experience. You offer encouragement to friends when they stumble and soften your voice when someone you love is struggling. Yet when you make a mistake or fall short of a goal, your voice becomes sharp and critical. The compassion you freely give to others is suddenly nowhere to be found.

The reasons for this disconnect are varied. For example:

You Were Criticized as a Child

Early criticism can become internalized. When praise was scarce or standards felt impossible to meet, many of us learned to equate love with performance—and carried that voice into adulthood.

You’re a Perfectionist

Perfectionism trains the mind to scan for flaws. Mistakes feel loud, while successes barely register. What looks like motivation is often fear in disguise.

You Grew Up with High Expectations

Even without overt criticism, constant pressure to excel can quietly suggest that who you are isn’t enough unless you’re achieving.

You Experienced Abuse

When harm occurs in childhood, it’s often interpreted as personal failure. That misplaced blame can later surface as relentless self-judgment.

These patterns make it easy to live inside our heads, replaying moments and magnifying missteps. The mind becomes a place of constant evaluation, rarely offering compassion or grace.

For me, there was an air of expected achievement woven through my childhood and teen years. However, although my parents sometimes shared my frustration when I fell short academically, I always knew their love wasn’t tied to my GPA. Still, my own perfectionism took root early, shaping a critical inner voice.

That self-criticism deepened in adulthood. Mistakes began to feel dangerous, tied to my livelihood and sense of security. This was compounded by a marriage where love and approval were highly conditional, causing errors and imperfections to carry an even heavier emotional cost.

By the time I recognized how far my self-esteem had fallen, I was fully entrenched in self-judgment. Every mistake triggered familiar, rehearsed dialogues of self-deprecation. I had become my own harshest critic—aiming weaponized words at myself that I would never dream of directing at another person.

That was when I realized this voice wasn’t helping me—it was harming me. And I began looking for a different way to relate to myself.

Learning to step out of that cycle didn’t happen all at once. But there were clear, compassionate shifts that helped me begin treating myself with the same care I offered others.

Cultivating Self-Compassion: 7 Steps to Treat Yourself Kindly

Notice your inner critic.

Pay attention to the voice inside your head. When you catch yourself thinking harsh thoughts, pause and identify them: Ah, that’s my inner critic talking.

For example, when I realized a deadline had slipped through the cracks, my mind immediately went into attack mode. The criticism was swift and familiar: How could you let this happen? You are incompetent. By simply noticing that voice, I created a bit of space—enough to observe it and take the first step toward learning a different way to respond.

Speak to yourself as you would a friend.

Once you’ve noticed the inner critic, ask yourself how you would respond if a friend were in the same situation. If a friend told me they’d missed a deadline, I wouldn’t question their competence or worth. I’d remind them of everything they juggle and help them think through next steps. Offering myself that same perspective softened the tone of my inner dialogue and made room for compassion.

Reframe the mistake as information, not a verdict.

From that calmer place, it became easier to look at what had actually happened. Instead of seeing the missed deadline as proof of failure, I began to treat it as information. Was I overextended? Did something need adjusting? When mistakes are viewed this way, they become signals for learning—not evidence of personal shortcomings.

Create a pause before reacting.

When emotions spike, give yourself a moment. Take a deep breath and step back. Pausing interrupts the reflex to rush into self-criticism and disrupts the spiral of self-judgment. For me, stepping away—even briefly—allows me to respond more thoughtfully and kindly.

Practice small acts of self-care.

Thinking of self-care as supportive rather than indulgent helped me understand how essential it is. Rather than pushing myself harder after a misstep, I began asking what would actually help me reset—perhaps a short walk, quiet time journaling, or spending time with someone with whom I felt completely at ease. These small acts reinforced a new message: mistakes don’t require punishment; they call for care.

Celebrate your wins, big and small.

When we’re used to self-criticism, it’s easy to overlook what’s working. But even tiny victories deserve recognition. Over time, celebrating wins helps balance the critical voice in your head. That typo I mentioned earlier was rare. Acknowledging the many flawless printed pieces that came before helped put that mistake in perspective.

Replace the critical script with a kinder one.

The inner critic often repeats the same lines, word for word. Over time, I learned to interrupt those scripts and offer myself a different message—one grounded in reality and kindness. Instead of “You always mess things up,” I practiced saying, “You’re human, you’re learning, and you can adjust.” Each time I chose a kinder response, the old script lost a bit of its power.

Bringing It Full Circle 

Sitting across from my friend that night, I could see how easily compassion flowed from me to her—and how foreign it still felt to turn that same care inward. But learning to treat myself differently didn’t require perfection or a complete transformation. It started with noticing, pausing, and choosing a kinder response, one small moment at a time.

Mistakes still happen. But now, instead of meeting those moments with harsh judgment, I meet them with curiosity and care. And in doing so, I’ve discovered that the compassion we offer others has always been available to us—we just have to practice letting it land.

What a Positive Mindset Really Means (Hint: It’s Not Just Positive Thinking)

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I am not sure how it came to be, but it was clearly defined in my mind: my blueprint for building and maintaining a positive mindset was embracing pleasant experiences and avoiding unpleasant ones. In the process of building a framework for applying this approach to my life, I developed a belief that conflict, disagreement, struggle, and adversity were all on the list of unpleasant experiences, and I went to great lengths to avoid them.

By young adulthood, this mindset had gradually transitioned my natural “peacemaking” temperament into one more aligned with “peacekeeping.” Instead of seeking resolution to inner turmoil and outer turbulence, I became passive and focused on avoiding conflict and maintaining order.

In the course of following this blueprint, I looked past a few key moments in my 20s, which, had I allowed myself to pay attention, feel, and question, I would have been able to see painful but real truths that would have altered the choices I made. Buried beneath my determination to avoid unpleasant experiences, these truths festered and eventually rose to the surface.

This is not a surprising outcome. Mental health experts agree that repressed emotions and feelings never dissipate, and in moments of acute stress most will eventually rise to the surface, insisting they be felt. The challenge for me, and most who are well practiced in emotional avoidance, is when they came to the forefront many years later, I had no tools to process them and no resilience to ride through them.

The realization of truths that I had avoided hit my psyche like bricks falling from a building, shaken loose by an intense internal quake. My foundation and all that I built upon it lay in pieces around me. The experience was fundamentally traumatic, and all I wanted was to be free of the pain.

From the rubble I rebuilt a structure that looked and felt new, but having been constructed from materials salvaged from my previous housing, it contained familiar elements. Although I did not recreate the situations I previously experienced, the element of pain avoidance was still a driving force. I had not let go of the belief that maintaining a positive mindset came from avoiding unpleasant emotions and experiences.

With this misguided thinking, I was ripe for the synthesized and homogenized positive soundbites being disseminated in society. Though useful as a tool for guiding one’s mind, they are unsustainable as a stand-alone approach to life. By fostering a forced optimism, the catchy phrases and feel-good mantras did not contribute to my real need, which was to build a mindset that would support me through all of life’s pleasant and less-than-pleasant moments with flexibility and resiliency.

Making constantly feeling good my goal set me up for failure over and over, often leading to spirals of negative self-judgment when I fell short. It took me a few years before I finally accepted that striving to feel good all the time is not realistic or healthy and was, in fact, not the path towards the contentment and serenity I sought.

It turns out, contentment and serenity are byproducts of a mindset practiced at responding to adversity in a healthy, head-on way. One that allows you to have experiences that you can learn and grow from, all the while trusting that you will bounce back to a place of equilibrium and not be held under waves of sadness or despair. The ability to tolerate and move through periods of discomfort will open you to experience all of life in a richer, more meaningful, and deeper way.

Happiness Is an Emotion — Not a Mindset
Referred to a positive mindset, this way of thinking is not about being happy all the time. In the true meaning, a positive mindset is about meeting all of life’s experiences with resiliency and flexibility, recognizing that anger, fear, uncertainty, and conflict are all part of the human experience. Instead of avoiding discomfort or burying it under unsupported mantras, a positive mindset makes room for it. Contentment and serenity are built by moving through hardships with awareness and intention, not avoiding them.

This concept is in direct opposition to what I call compulsory cheerfulness, which leads followers of this methodology to believe that unpleasant emotions are wrong and should be avoided or suppressed and that a never-faltering state of emotional happiness is both achievable and the path toward a stress-free life.

This way of approaching life will, on the surface, appear to create an aura of peace, but in time the words of even the most powerful mantras will break down, causing them to become empty and impotent. The utterer is left with nothing to hide behind and is forced to face the unpleasantness they were avoiding. Their unrealistic belief system crashes as disillusionment sets in since true lasting peace of mind is only achieved through embracing and experiencing the entire myriad of human experiences and the emotions that accompany them.

How You Can Develop a Positive Mindset Rooted in Reality

• Rewrite Your Vision of How Life Should Be
You set yourself up for frustration and disappointment when you hold onto the idea that life is supposed to go smoothly without bumps or setbacks. But the truth is, life was never meant to be without grief, sorrow, and anguish. It will deliver experiences such as the pain of the loss of someone close to you, the hurt of unrequited love, or disappointment at not getting the job you wanted. Anger in response to rude behavior, frustration in rush hour traffic or annoyances at any number of life stressors flesh out the modern human experience.

• Make Space for Discomfort
If you are practiced in the art of emotional suppression, the act of feeling your feelings will be a scary experience. One that may stimulate your fight-flight-freeze response, triggering an innate reaction to escape what you have trained your brain to believe is danger. But by allowing yourself to feel heavy emotions such as disappointment, sadness, anger, and frustration, they are able to move through you, rather than getting stuck.

• Get Curious
While building a flexible, resilient mindset means allowing yourself to experience strong emotions, it is important to remember that they may not always be based on accurate thinking or reflect your current reality. To shine a light on the scope and direction of the overarching themes of your thoughts, ask yourself questions along the lines of: Is this emotion triggered by a current truth or old belief? Is this emotion triggered by a thought meant to protect me or warn me about a perceived danger? Is there another perspective from where I can view the situation?

For example, if you consistently feel frustrated when circumstances don’t go your way, perhaps you are still harboring the thought that life should be smooth and easy. If you often feel disrespected or overlooked, maybe thoughts related to your worth are taking you down. Paying attention to your recurring thought themes and questioning their validity is a key way to stripping them of their power to trigger you.

 • Focus on What is in Your Control
Areas that are out of your scope of control include other people’s actions, unexpected events such as losing a job or developing a disease, and the state of the financial market. You fuel feelings of helplessness and hopelessness by fixating on these and other uncontrollable areas and occurrences. By focusing on what you can control, you are able to direct your energy in a forward-moving way, leading to a positive mindset.

• Practice Self-Compassion
Some days you will find yourself responding and moving through experiences with the flow of an expert and other days you will notice you are reacting by pushing and grinding against everything and everyone. Most often while in the latter mode, there is a part of you that knows you are needlessly lashing out or causing yourself internal suffering, but you seem incapable of switching tracks. Instead of adding the weight of self-judgment, do your best to embrace and then release any thoughts or feelings that come up.

Acknowledge that they may not be based on facts, but they need to be felt. Through the lens of self-compassion, you set the stage for a more flexible and resilient way of responding in the future.

The Bottom Line
Building a positive mindset is different from practicing toxic positivity. The goal is not to avoid unpleasantness but to establish a way of responding where emotional pain does not control you. It is about building a positive mindset by feeling life’s hurts, disappointments, and pain while trusting that you have the resilience to move through while reclaiming your base level of contentment and serenity, byproducts of a positive mindset.

Being open to all that life has to offer allows you to experience a fuller, richer life, and engage in it in a deeper, more meaningful way. This is not an overnight process, but the above are steps that you can take which will build your flexibility and resiliency, which are the cornerstones of a positive mindset.

If you’re ready to build a mindset that supports you through life’s ups and downs  with more calm, confidence, and clarity I’d love to help.

Schedule a free, no-obligation discovery call to explore how mindset coaching can help you move through challenges with greater ease and resilience. Book your call today: www.lynncrockercoaching.com/free-intro-call

From Reactivity to Awareness: Understanding and Shifting Your Mindset Filters

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Summary: Our subconscious mindset filters evolved to protect us, but in today’s world, they often trigger unnecessary stress and fear. This post explores how to recognize these automatic reactions, understand why they form, and use self-awareness to replace reactive habits with mindful responses that align with your true well-being.

A recent conversation, having taken an unfortunate turn, left me in a place of dismay and confusion. It started with me approaching a colleague to talk about a procedure that we had recently set up. Being a new process, my intention was to review the steps with her and check in to see if she had any questions or concerns. This act was interpreted by her as an attack. She expressed that she felt ambushed by me. My shock at her version of my objective quickly turned to defense and I fired back with a few poorly chosen phrases that only fueled the dysfunctional flow of our dialogue.

Later that evening, I reflected on what occurred. I wondered how two people could end up with vastly different interpretations of words and actions.

In short, why did my colleague interpret my benign invitation to review the procedure so negatively? Reflecting on her word choices from a place of curiosity rather than defense, I am able to detect the notes of anxiety and worry behind them. Unbeknownst to me, she was reeling from a recent negative performance review by her supervisor. Feeling the pressure and fear that springs from the potential loss of livelihood, she brought this fearful mindset into our conversation, which filtered and interpreted all of my words as criticism that she needed to defend against.

In this instance, I was on the receiving end, but, of course, I have been on the other side of many conversations where my mindset filter interpreted words as attacks and steered the dialog in a direction far away from the intention with which it was started.

Understanding Mindset Filters and Their Biases
In simple terms, mindset filters are mental constructions built to recognize and categorize stimuli. The constructions are a quick and efficient way for your brain to sort external stimuli into general categories of life-threatening and non-life-threatening. This sets in motion appropriate responses before your conscious mind is even aware of it.

Although these constructions can be positive, the ones most closely tied to your survival tend to be negative.

This is because your brain fixates on situations and circumstances that it deems as life-threatening. Having automatic responses to danger has been essential to our survival, but in the context of modern society, the vast majority of our responses are to perceived life-threatening situations, rather than actual ones.  

In the example of my co-worker, the negative performance review was not actually life-threatening, but it triggered a red flag, causing her brain to be on high alert for danger, filtering my words as threats and reacting before her rational mind has a chance to respond.

Recognize Common Areas Where Mindset Filters Operate

Social Groups
Being a part of a social group meant physical safety to our ancestors and ostracization from this group was viewed as life-threatening. Although this is not the case in modern social groups, you will not literally die if you commit a social gaffe, the feeling of not fitting in can still be enough to trigger your brain into high alert, causing it to filter and react as though danger were present.  

Interpersonal Relationships
The same is true for love-centered relationships such as a romantic partner. Inherent in the dynamic of intimate friendships and partnerships is the commitment to care for each other, ensuring food and shelter in times of illness or injury. Knowing that someone is present for you provides an immense amount of comfort, and when that person exits your life, an established filter may view the situation as life-threatening.

Workplace Dynamics
As illustrated through the example of my co-worker, the potential loss of a job, though not truly life-threatening, can still trigger a feeling of impending danger, causing you to overreact to constructive feedback or question your abilities.

While the formation of protective mindset filters is a normal subconscious brain function, having them run amok, undeterred or balanced by your rational mind, sets you up for distorted perceptions and feelings of fear, agitation, and disillusionment. Focusing on negativity also results in not seeing positives.

It is possible, for example, that my co-worker had a 90% positive review and was focusing on the 10% area of improvement. Fixating on her mistakes prevented her seeing what she was doing right.

Although the formation of negative filters is an evolutionary ingrained response meant to keep you alive, you can learn to reframe them by bringing them to your conscious mind through self-awareness.

Self-Awareness Defined
Self-awareness is being conscious of your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and motivations. It puts your responsive, rational mind at the forefront, leaving your subconscious, reactive mind to handle truly urgent or life-threatening situations.

For clarity, by conscious mind I mean the responsive, rational part of your brain and by subconscious mind I mean the reactive, automatic part.

Developing self-awareness is an ongoing practice that involves:

  • Paying attention to your thoughts
  • Noticing the feelings they trigger
  • Reflecting on your impulses and what direction your actions take

Self-Awareness Practices

Create Space Between Stimulus and Action
A simple pause between a triggering event and the action you take as a result of it is often enough time to allow your rational mind to kick in and assess the situation. In this space between cause and effect, you will, with practice, begin to direct your conscious mind to choose responses that are thought through and appropriate. In addition to pausing, your self-talk also offers valuable insight.

Listen to Your Self-Talk
A great way to gain insight into your mindset is to listen to the way you speak to yourself. Notice situations where the tone is critical or fearful. Listen to the words you are using. Are they encouraging and caring, or defeating and unkind? Hearing the way you speak to yourself and what you say is essential to shifting it, allowing you more options for balanced responses.

After you become aware of the tone and language of your self-talk, the next step is to understand why they formed.

Get Curious About Your Reactions
Deeply ingrained reaction habits will take more than a simple pause to root out and shift. If you notice that you repeatedly respond to a person, group of people, situation, or circumstance in an overly negative, fearful, or angry way, time spent reflecting on these scenarios is highly beneficial.

Ask yourself in a curious manner:

  • What are my thoughts related to this interaction or occurrence?
  • What emotions come up most strongly for me in these moments?
  • What am I protecting myself from?  
  • Is my response about what is happening now, or something in the past?
  • Why might I have learned this reaction?
  • Is there a story that I am telling myself about this person or situation?

Curiosity sheds light on why you react the way you do and gives you an opportunity to reframe your thoughts. To allow you the opportunity to respond from this place of greater clarity, mindfulness is essential.

Practice Being Mindfully Present
Habitual reactions come into play when you are not fully in the moment. You can train yourself to remain grounded and responsive by utilizing the following techniques:

  • Focusing on your breathing – consciously paying attention to the air entering and leaving your lungs causes your body to relax and your mind to stay present.
  • Focusing on your body sensations – take inventory of how your body is feeling. Notice where it is feeling tension and deliberately release it.
  • Focusing on your environment – another great way to pull yourself into the present, is to focus on your environment. The running of your subconscious mind and its preference to be on autopilot is easily disrupted by you simply looking around you, taking in the sights, sounds, and smells.

Acknowledging your reactive habits, recognizing the reasons why they formed, and compassionately questioning the validity of the thoughts that solidified them will help you cultivate greater self-awareness. Armed with this, you can navigate your life from a place of greater self-control and respond in ways that are truly in line with your well-being.

Ready to shift your mindset and take control of your reactions? Book a free, no obligation discovery coaching call today and learn how Mindset Coaching can help you. Schedule your session here.

Master Your Mindset: Break Free from Overthinking and Mental Loops

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Ever find yourself trapped in endless mental loops, replaying conversations, and letting others’ actions dictate your mood? I’ve been there. In this post, I share my personal journey of overthinking and how mindfulness, meditation, and consistent mental fitness helped me regain control. Learn practical strategies to stop ruminating, strengthen your mindset, and respond to life with clarity, calm, and confidence.

The incident that triggered my breaking point seems trivial now, but my mindset at the time was one of agitation and defense.

Recalling it, I see it from a ten-thousand-foot level. Looking down, I watch myself spinning around in a whirlpool of mental arguments constructed in reaction to the rude and dismissive action of a co-worker with whom I had a tense and contentious relationship. I carried the incident, which had occurred in the morning, with me all day. And, now at home, with the co-worker nowhere in sight and the episode six hours in the past, I found myself replaying it while fabricating a myriad of responses I would like to have made.

However, even at that moment, a part of me observed, horrified, as the circling current of mental conversations fed itself with thoughts of hate and disgust. Gaining power with every turn, the whirlpool of conjured emotions held me prisoner.

This part knew I was allowing someone else’s behavior to dictate how I felt. Statements reflecting the theme ‘she is the cause of all of my misery’ rolled around my head. The indignant voice of my ego, which convinced me I was being disrespected and had no power in the situation, fueled these thoughts. Eventually, they consumed me, and in time, with my mental capabilities spent, my body succumbed to sleep.

By the next morning, having regained a sense of control over my mental state, I endeavored to understand how my mindset had shifted from one of practiced contentment to one of proficient agitation. In other words, how had I become so far off track?

In a short time, the answer became clear. I arrived at it thought by thought.

In acts of what I called ‘feeling my feelings,’ I allowed myself to ruminate over what I interpreted as slights, affronts, discourtesies, and disrespectful acts. I created defensive and argumentative conversations in my head in response, and played these dialogues out as a way to justify my feelings and validate my position. Gradually, the time I spent in these mentally constructed emotional loops lengthened.

It was not long before this pointless mental arguing with others and my senseless need to defend myself and challenge their behavior became my predominant state of mind. I was so caught up in these stories that I did not notice my progress away from myself.

A few years prior to this departure, I embarked on a consistent mindfulness meditation practice, which yielded an emotional capacity to experience and move through unpleasant experiences and interactions while focusing my attention towards the ones that uplifted me. But having reached what I felt was my pinnacle for developing a supportive, resilient frame of mind, I began to let my meditation practice slip. I became less diligent about rooting out and shifting thoughts that disempowered me. In a sense, I was like someone who, having reached their physical fitness goals, decided to back off their workouts, thinking that somehow their muscles would not lose strength.

When viewing mindset mastery as a muscle, I began understanding that, just like my body needed regular movement to stay fit, my mind needed consistent mental exercise to stay strong.

Fortified with this knowledge, I set a clear intention to reestablish my meditation practice. But even with my strong conviction, I found this easy in concept and challenging in practice. My mental strength was weak and, just like the initial process of regaining physical fitness, establishing the flexibility which facilitated a fluid, resilient, positive mindset proved to be tough.

It initially required monumental efforts and Herculean feats of mental commitment to reframe the myriad of angry, anxious, and hateful thoughts running amok in my brain. But as time went on, it became easier and, thought by thought, I regained the strength and resilience to navigate the personalities, moods, and temperaments of others without it affecting my inner sense of peace and contentment.

Whether you are new to the idea of mindset mastery or are someone who, like me, is looking to get back in mental shape, so to speak, read on.

Own the truth: your peace of mind doesn’t revolve around other people’s actions; it resides in your response to them.

I want to be clear that I am not talking about situations where your physical safety is in question or instances that warrant legitimate responses of anger and outrage. I am directly referring to your responses to truly nonthreatening events, such as the checkout clerk being rude to you, and you spending the next three hours ruminating over the negative experience, expanding on the conversation, and perhaps formulating a response to the slight which you would have liked to have made. Or taking personally a comment about your shoes from a co-worker who you know to be pretentious, and then having an internal dialogue about what a horrible person she is, sapping your mental strength, leaving you depleted and less able to focus on your job performance.

These are two of the many examples where you can choose to ruminate over another’s behavior resulting in depleted energy or to let the interactions go by the wayside, facilitating a less agitated, more focused mind. I find the letting go process is much easier when I recognize that someone’s behavior is a reflection of them and has nothing to do with my worth.

How to shine a light on your responses.

Mindfulness Journaling remains a staple activity for shining a light on your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors by allowing you to take a step back and gain perspective on what you felt and how you reacted to the benign occurrence. You will quickly begin to notice thought patterns and habitual responses to others’ behavior that make you feel, for example, agitated, angry, frustrated, or hopeless. Focusing on your feelings one at a time allows you to process them more effectively and formulate other ways you could respond in the future that would leave you feeling more in control of yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions.

From a place of genuine interest, ask: is my thought a habit or is it based on facts? Test the thought by attempting to gather evidence to support it. If the thought in response to someone cutting you off in traffic is along the lines of ‘everyone is rude and aggressive in this city,’ write down other instances in the past week when you experienced offenses and social slights and a list of times when you had uplifting, compassionate experiences facilitated by others. Does the evidence in front of you support your thoughts? If not, the thought is a most likely constructed mental habit and not based on facts. Becoming aware of this thought habit, affords you the mindfulness to replace it with a response which is more aligned with the truth. In time, your trust in your own strength and ability to maintain peace within, regardless of the petty behaviors of others, will build.

Keeping fit is a continual process.

Just like physical fitness requires that you continue to move and care for your body, mental fitness also requires consistent practice, which include meditation and mindfulness and engaging in activities that rejuvenate you, such as spending time with people who uplift you and pursuing your hobbies and interests. When you are internally strong, external negativity doesn’t affect you as deeply.

These days, I actively focus on keeping a positive mindset. I strive to allow others to live their lives and not have their behavior affect me. I still feel anger, disgust, and frustration towards them. However, I consciously allow myself to stay in this mental space only for a predetermined period. After the allotted time is up, I check my thoughts and move the emotions through me. I do not linger, and I do not make up conversations in my mind. If another’s behavior requires action on my part, I act without emotion, all the while protecting my inner peace and bliss. I am not perfect at this, but my focus and commitment are unwavering.

You have the power to reclaim your peace of mind and create a life guided by clarity, calm, and confidence. If you’re ready to break free from overthinking and strengthen your mindset, you don’t have to do it alone. I can help you build the daily practices that bring calm, clarity, and contentment. Book a FREE introductory coaching call and take the first step.

Download Breaking Free from Loop Thinking and get started on uncovering and rewriting the inner voices that shape your mindset.

Breaking Free from Drama: A Mindset Shift That Changed My Perspective

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Summary: What truly brings peace in our final years—checking off a bucket list or cultivating a calm mindset? This blog explores lessons learned from a friend’s journey, highlighting meditation, journaling, and body awareness as practical ways to reduce drama, let go of negativity, and nurture inner contentment.

Recently, an older friend who was no longer able to attend to life without assistance was placed in a senior care facility. From my observation, she seemed content and her relatives confirmed that when they visit, they find her awake and alert, propped up in bed or sitting in a chair peacefully gazing out her window. One of my immediate thoughts when reflecting on my visit was, we should all be so lucky to enter our final years with a mindset of peace and contentment.

The hope of being content in the final years of life is not a new concept, but the idea of a “bucket list” and the quest to achieve it is. The term bucket list was introduced in 1999 and solidified into pop culture with the subsequent release of a movie. For those who are unfamiliar with the expression, a bucket list consists of a catalog of experiences and adventures that someone wants to have before they kick the bucket, meaning die. The idea is that if someone checks off all the items on their bucket list, their final stage of life will be bearable because they will be satisfied with how they spent their time.

The visit to see my friend put the time I have remaining into perspective. As I approach 60 years old, the truth that in 25 years I will be 85 is inescapable. The fact that the 25 years between 35 and 60 had gone by in the relative blink of an eye caused me to pause and think.

What did I want to do and experience before my final stage was upon me?

My mind went immediately to my hobbies and interests and, although I could think of many goals to strive for, nothing seemed important or compelling enough to be considered for my bucket list. As examples, I enjoy traveling and have a desire to see all the magnificent natural wonders across the globe and walk in the footsteps of ancient cultures, but I do not see myself in my final years upset because I never made it to Victoria Falls or knelt before the Moai of Easter Island. And I thrive on learning, but earning a master’s degree or PhD will not bring me contentment on my deathbed.

And what about my friend? I don’t recall her speaking of a list of experiences she desired to have or tangible targets that she strove to hit before her life was over. Yet, as I witnessed, she had entered her final phase of life with an air of inner peace and contentment. 

Throughout our friendship, I observed my friend actively cultivating a mindset that focused on seeing the glass as half full and consciously concentrating her focus on the bright side of events. She did not cultivate drama within herself, and consequently she repelled it when others brought it around. And she fostered love for herself and others. When the realities of individual agendas and manufactured circumstances triggered a need to respond in a heavy-handed way, she delivered the reprimand swiftly and, as best as she could, without the emotion of hate and thoughts of judgment. And the rare times when she fell completely short of her behavioral standards with her thoughts and emotions sinking deep into a dark muck, I observed her climb out, find her light, and move on. She never berated herself for what she referred to as a “little dip.”

Many times I asked her how she could rise above the fray of office politics, for example, or shift her focus to what was hopeful and good in an otherwise dreary situation. Her response was unfailingly along the lines of, “Why waste time dwelling on unpleasantness?”

Her words came back to me as I pondered what I wanted to experience and accomplish in the next 25 years. How could I spend my time in a way that would leave me content in the final stage of my life?

Having already run through my goals and desired escapades and determined they were not the answer to what had become a nagging question for me, I reversed the query and asked, “In what ways is my time wasted?”

My answer came to me the next day. I had just hung up the phone after completing a conversation with a member of my greater social network. Having too little in common to consider her a friend, I find our interactions to be tedious and we rarely see eye-to-eye. She views herself as the victim in all situations and thrives on stress and drama. In this conversation she expressed she was feeling left out because a group dinner was scheduled for a night on which she was not available. I spent twenty minutes attempting to reassure her the chosen date was not intended to exclude her, that she was a valued member of the group and similar proclamations. All of them landing on the unfertile soil of her negative self-image. Nothing short of changing the date could convince her the decision was not personal.

As I terminated the call, I heard myself say, “Well, that was a waste of time.”

A few days later, I found myself involved in an interaction with a co-worker with whom exchanges typically left me feeling shaken and upset. The pace and tone of that afternoon’s conversation was especially triggering. Once at home, even with this co-worker nowhere near me and the interaction several hours in the past, simply thinking about what had transpired caused my body’s fight or flight response system to kick in. With limbs ready to spring into action and breath quick and shallow, I hung suspended in a state of physical limbo waiting to fight a battle perceived and conceived in my head. It took me close to an hour to calm myself down and afterwards the sense of time wasted was palpable.

At that moment, I committed to not wasting time feeding the unpleasantness created by others and to be accountable for the ways in which I cultivated a disturbed mindset.

After a bit of reflection, I realized that I disrupted my peace of mind and contentment by:

  • Taking things personally
  • Needing to be right
  • Overreacting by magnifying small issues into major problems
  • Continuing unproductive conversations in my head with others long after they have concluded in real time

While commitment is the initial action needed to instigate change, practice is the many small steps taken to solidify the habit.

Over time, I developed a practice to support a more peaceful mindset that involved morning meditation, journaling, and body awareness.

  • Meditation cultivates a calm mindset, allowing for heightened self-awareness and control of my thoughts and emotions.
  • Journaling gives tangibility to my unpleasant thoughts. By making them visible, I am able to challenge their validity and shift them towards ones that uplift me.
  • Body awareness gives way to enhanced intuition. By paying attention to sensations in my gut and noticing the pace of my heart and breath, I can quickly sense when I am shifting from a responsive, cooperative mode to a reactive, fight-or-flight approach to a person or situation.

If you are interested in cultivating a mindset that brings you inner peace and contentment, below are a few tips to get started. 

1) Find a meditation style that works for you

My practice utilizes mindfulness, focused, and loving-kindness styles of meditation. Mindfulness meditation allows greater access to my thoughts; focused meditation sharpens my ability to keep my brain from wandering; and loving-kindness meditation cultivates compassion and patience for my ego’s struggles and the struggles of others.

Here is a list of the nine most common forms of meditation. A definition of each can be found here.   

  • Mindfulness meditation
  • Spiritual meditation
  • Focused meditation
  • Movement meditation
  • Mantra meditation
  • Transcendental meditation
  • Progressive relaxation
  • Loving-kindness meditation
  • Visualization meditation

2) Write down thoughts and feelings that you struggle with.

My journal is a loose compilation of thoughts and the emotional responses they trigger. By writing them down, I am able to distance myself from my thoughts and see them from an objective point of view. I am then able to explore alternative thoughts and assess their capacity for cultivating pleasant feelings.

According to this article, the benefits of journaling include:

  • Stress reduction
  • Increased sense of well-being
  • Distance from negative thoughts
  • Avenue for processing emotions
  • Space to figure out your next step
  • Opportunity for self-discovery

3) Get in touch with your body.

Whenever I feel my shoulders creeping towards my ears, my breath becoming shallow, or my digestion being disrupted, I take it as a signal to check in with my brain. A quick scan reveals thoughts and conversations happening in the background which might otherwise have gone unnoticed until they transitioned into action. I achieve and maintain my mind/body connection through a combination of contemplative running and intentional stretching. Both of these allow me to focus on my body and become aware of areas where I am holding tension.

Read more on the benefits of establishing a mind/body connection. While I chose running and stretching, there are many other methods such as:

  • Yoga
  • Tai Chi
  • Qi Gong
  • Solo Dance
  • Intentional cleaning

The above are the ways that I chose to strengthen my commitment to not wasting time wrapped up in someone else’s drama or creating unnecessary turmoil in myself. I am far from perfect in this practice. I still catch myself rallying against what I view as someone’s agenda or reacting to what I consider a personal affront, but I am able to quickly identify the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in real-time and mitigate the damage to my sense of well-being.

When it comes down to it, the only goal for my life is to cultivate a mindset of inner peace and contentment. And along the way, connect with and encourage those who, like me, are actively seeking to heal, grow, and live in a space of positivity and love.

If you’re ready to let go of drama and create more peace in your life, you don’t have to do it alone. As a mindset coach, I can help you build the daily practices that bring calm, clarity, and contentment.

Book a FREE introductory call and take the first step toward breaking free from drama and living with greater ease and clarity.

Rewriting Your Mindset: How to Identify and Heal Your Inner Emotional Patterns

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Summary : Discover how your recurring reactions and inner voices are shaped by past experiences and how self-compassion, mindfulness, journaling, can help you understand and reframe these “little selves,” transforming negative self-talk into a more supportive mindset.

“Why did you do that?” My tone was loving but demanding.

She exuded the energy of a cornered animal; every sense heightened to seize a moment to run. Feeling  her fear, I reached out and implored her to relax. As her anxiety diminished, I saw the depths of her despair and anguish.

“Let me help free you,” was my plea.

I cared deeply for her, but this empathetic response to her behavior was not always the case. The fact is, her responses and subsequent exaggerated reactions to all levels of perceived disrespect created an immense burden for me. At the mere hint of a personal slight she would blow up, scattering emotional debris far and wide, leaving me to clean up the mess, while she, spent of energy, huddled in the corner.

Her name is Tess and she has a few siblings. There is Nancy, whose pessimism creates unproductive worry for me. Charlotte, whose idealistic nature and constant pushing against “what is” and trying to assert how she believes things “should be” creates disillusionment and conflict for me. Marie, whose inflexible nature causes me hardship and duress whenever the flow of life does not follow a familiar, steadfast path. And Susan’s desire to create peace causes my self-deprecating deference to the wants and desires of others.

In actuality, these are not separate entities, but a part of me presenting as facets of my mindset. Thinking of them as my little selves, I came to understand that they were formed through a feedback loop between my experiences and my responses to them.

While we each have natural tendencies and temperaments, it’s our repeated thoughts, emotional interpretations, and learned responses that most shape how we filter experiences and choose to respond. Repeated responses are perceived by your brain as important, so they become entrenched, guaranteeing ease of future access.  

I recognize that as a child I exhibited tendencies towards being a peace-making perfectionist who desired predictability, was wary of strangers and preferred to be alone. This baseline temperament was nurtured in a quiet, safe and predictable home life. Yes, there were arguments and occasionally an outright blow up, and I can recall events which I label as upsetting or hurtful, but as a whole I felt loved and protected. I was allowed quiet time for solo play and creative exploration. Dinner was at 5:30pm, and we vacationed at the same location for two weeks every summer. Although predictable, my childhood was not without experiences to which I needed to respond. For example, when an unforeseeable event occurred, my negative interpretation of it triggered me to react in a resistant way. A subsequent feedback loop was formed, eventually causing the little self I refer to as Marie to take shape.

A need to restore a sense of peace after an argument started solidifying as Susan, and disappointment at having something I wanted not to transpire, gave birth to Nancy, whose pessimism was intended to protect me by keeping my hopes in check.  

Formed through repeated thoughts and emotional reactions, these feedback loops strongly influenced my behavior whether I was conscious of it or not.

However, up until my mid-30s I was entirely ignorant of this process.   

While my childhood and teen years were ones of safety and stability, young adulthood was not. I thrust myself into social settings and interpersonal relationships that drained me. My career choice did not match my need for predictability and my home life was chaotic and argumentative.  

Left unchecked, my little selves ran amok in an attempt to process the onslaught of precarious experiences and keep me safe. The thought patterns associated with these parts of me often triggered feelings of uneasiness, disenchantment, rigidity, and self-criticism. The strain and duress of navigating this existence deteriorated my mental health and by my early 30s I was depressed and desperate.

Seeking answers, I was introduced to the model of the Cognitive Triangle, which describes how our thoughts influence how we feel, which influences our actions, which influence our thoughts.

Empowered by the awareness of this feedback loop, I cultivated a mindfulness practice as a way to see my little selves in action. Observing their behaviors as an outsider, I noted their thought patterns and emotional responses. And I saw how these patterns and responses shaped my mindset, influenced my feelings, and drove my actions.But instead of seeking to understand them and why they formed, I judged.

Every time I caught myself tense and anxious over a changed itinerary, triggering an impulse to cancel the trip, or felt myself pushing down on the accelerator in response to being cut off in traffic, or deliberately neglecting to follow up with a friend because I assumed their lack of response to my voice mail was a confirmation that I was not worthy of effort, I filled my head with rants of criticism and disgust. Questions along the lines of: ‘Why are you so inflexible? Why are you always afraid? Why did you get mad at that?’ rolled around in my head. The rhetorical tone was meant to push the thoughts away rather than to gain an enlightened answer. But the more hate and disgust that I pointed towards my little selves and their limiting thoughts, the stronger they became, seeming to feed on the negative, poisonous energy.

Fortunately, I realized my misguided approach. I understood what my little selves needed was not for me to push against them with hate and judgement, causing hurt and separation, but to accept them with love and appreciation, allowing for healing and integration.

Through this approach, I began to view Tess, Nancy, Charlotte, and Marie as my children. Adopting a parental role to my little selves helped me embrace and accept them, prompting feelings of love rather than annoyance. Instead of getting mad at my little selves, I began to embrace all of them as part of me. This does not mean that I allow them to run amok and create at will. I am an ever-vigilant observer, always on the lookout for unproductive conversations and impulses to engage in behaviors that are not in line with my goals and aspirations. When this happens, my internal parent takes over and lovingly and empathetically seeks to understand.

For example, I became curious why Tess reacted violently towards being cut off in traffic. Why did that person’s behavior prompt a volcanic reaction which caused her to hijack rational mental processing and engage in a speed chase that, at best, would yield nothing but trouble? Initially, the answer did not come to me. But by staying in a mind space of open curiosity, an answer slowly bubbled up. Recalling other situations where she reacted similarly, I understood the prominent thought which drove all of Tess’ behavior was the assumption that she was being disrespected. She interpreted being cut off in traffic as an indication that the perpetrator of the action thought they were better than her. With this pre-set notion, it was no wonder she was so upset. She made what most likely had nothing to do with her, very personal!

From this place of empathy and understanding, I learned to whisper “it’s not personal” any time I felt her anger rising. Following up with “you will never know why that person did what they did. The reasons are many and have nothing to do with you.” The sentiments calmed Tess at the moment and, with the help of repeated reminders, in time, her responses softened and her need to take control dissipated.

In this way, I communicated with the other selves. I let each know that they were safe while showing them how their learned responses can be dissected and healed for greater happiness and peace.

We are all made up of little selves. Meaning we all have repeated thought patterns and habitual emotional reactions that keep us in a place of repeating behaviors that do not align with the type of person we strive to be. Instead of judging or berating yourself for your behavior, become a detective and discover why you reacted the way that you did. Seeking to understand prompts a positive, loving internal dialog and creates an open arena where your little selves feel free to express their most intimate, vulnerable truths. And in this raw light, you can begin to see and understand them, establishing a path of healing

Journaling was key to my process, and I recommend it to anyone who is interested in sussing out and addressing the unproductive thoughts of their little selves. By genuinely seeking information through targeted questions and writing out whatever comes to mind, you will create an arena to see your little selves in action.

Once on paper, you can challenge them and begin to reframe the assumptions behind them, thereby rewriting your inner dialog. Though consistent practice, these new thought patterns can begin to take root, gradually shaping a more positive mindset which begins to influence your thoughts and behaviors, allowing you to enjoy an increased level of contentment.  

Viewing your little selves as reflections of your experiences that are trying to keep you safe, and not as flaws, allows you to approach them with curiosity and compassion. From here you can begin to rewrite your inner dialog and shape a more supportive mindset.

Ready to Meet Your Little Selves?
Download this free guided worksheet to help you identify your inner emotional patterns, uncover the stories behind them, and begin reframing your inner dialogue with compassion and clarity.

Your past doesn’t have to define your future. When you recognize and reframe the patterns your brain has been unconsciously running, you reclaim your power—one thought at a time. Book a FREE introductory call and let’s explore what’s possible when your mindset works with you, not against you.

Why Negative Experiences Stick—and How to Shift Your Mindset to Let Them Go

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The feeling struck deep and hard, plummeting my mood into darkness, causing my heart to race and my gut to engage in acrobatic flips and somersaults. Triggered by a seemingly unrelated event, I left the world of the present and traveled back in time. My mind recalled a situation, though different in appearance, but similar in response, where I felt my brain switch from a rational, responsive mode to a survival mode characterized by a fight or flight mentality.

In that instance, my physical life was not in danger, but my emotional body was. The threat to my well-being came in the form of a critical boss and her unreasonable demands for perfection.  Once a confident, proud worker, I became skittish and nervous; a state which hindered my work. I perceived the danger of the loss of livelihood. Anxiety was my constant companion.

The impact on my nervous system left a lasting impression. The emotional energy of the experience, which was meant to inform my sympathetic system and flow through it, became hard and solidified.

Today, with that situation 35 years in the past, I marvel at its ability to stay just below the surface of my conscious mind. Far enough down to not be easily detected, but close enough to instantly inform my body and ready it for a fight.

And I wondered – why do negative experiences solidify and remain in our psyche while positive ones seem to fly away in the wind? In my example, why have the positive experiences that I had with five subsequent supervisors not imprinted as strongly as the one bad one?

The answer is rooted in our brain’s wiring, specifically the amygdala. The amygdala is a structure deep inside the brain that plays an important role in processing emotions in response to external sensory stimuli, and evolution has caused it to be particularly sensitive to threats to our survival.

This negativity bias was initially formed to quickly identify physical dangers and propel our bodies into a fight or flight response by bypassing the brain’s rational thought process. The amygdala also plays a role in identifying social threats which may trigger our expulsion from the safety of a tribe or clan.

And this is where the amygdala can go haywire in today’s society.

Most of us are privileged to live in cities and towns where threats to our physical safety are rare. We go for walks in our neighborhoods without concern and trips to the grocery store are not preceded by apprehension or fear for our safety. Even so, the number of adults who express feeling anxiety at some point each day is increasing each year, demonstrating that while external threats are low, our amygdala is responding as if the circumstances were different. Overstimulated by a constant stream of information, and overworked responding to social triggers, work and financial stressors, the amygdala remains in a heightened state of alert, viewing everything as a threat.   

Once the key to our survival, this negativity bias can work against us in the modern world. Viewing everything as a threat results in a fearful and limiting mindset that blocks feelings of hopefulness while stamping out inspiration, stalling action and limiting our opportunities to fulfill our hopes and dreams. Though safe from perceived harm, our potential is diminished.

Take Back Control – Actively Cultivate A Hopeful, Positive Mindset

Although the negativity bias is rooted in the wiring of the amygdala, there are actions that you can take to minimize its impact by consciously shifting your thoughts and resulting behavior.

Be Aware of Your Biases

Before you can shift your biases, you first need to bring them to the surface. This is done through honest self-reflection supported by a non-judgmental, curious approach. Take time to reflect and write down experiences that could have negatively shaped your view of yourself and how safe you feel in the world.

Were you the target of harsh or excessive criticism as a child? Excessive disapproval from authority figures often leads to an adult who is a perfectionist and hard on themselves when they make mistakes. This causes them to avoid new experiences where they could be judged or seen as less than perfect.

As a child were you often told that you were being “too sensitive”? Feedback along these lines could shape a person’s belief that feelings were not valid or worse, wrong, and lead them towards separating from their emotions and developing a tough exterior to keep their softer self safe from judgment.

Can you recall social situations where your younger self experienced exclusion or rejection by your peers? Social rejection triggers the negativity bias because, from an evolutionary standpoint, being ostracized from the clan once meant imminent dangers in the form of wild animals and starvation.

Did you grow up in an environment that felt unsafe? Situations of physical or emotional abuse, financial insecurity, the instability of living with someone who has mental health or substance abuse challenges, and frequent moves are all examples that can lead to a hyper-vigilant mindset that is always on the alert.

As an adult, have you experienced work and relationship traumas? Biases are not just formed in childhood. Experiences as an adult can trigger their formation. A work environment where your ideas and efforts are undervalued or dismissed will lead a person to being less likely to speak up and share insights. Being in a relationship with someone who acts unpredictably leads to behaviors intent on keeping the peace as a way to stay safe.  

Cognitive Reframing: Now that you have become aware of your biases, you can begin to restructure through cognitive reframing. Referring to the process of challenging, and changing, irrational thoughts, this technique is used to shift your mindset so you can look at your experiences from a slightly different, less triggering perspective. While it’s important to acknowledge past pain, reframing negative experiences can reduce their emotional weight, leading to opportunities for healing and growth.

Decatastrophizing

A powerful tool for reframing past negative experiences and regulating the impact of the amygdala on your behavior is decatastrophizing. This technique helps you challenge catastrophic loop thinking. By exploring the realistic consequences of a situation through a series of questions, you can interrupt your brain’s automatic threat response and create space for new ways of thinking, opening the door to new experiences.

Take a look at the negativity biases which you wrote down. For each one, question its validity in your life as it stands now. Ask yourself:

  • What am I worried about?
  • How likely is it that my worry will come true? Give examples of experiences that support your answer.
  • If your worry does come true, what is the worst that could happen?
  • If your worry does come true, what is most likely to happen?
  • If your worry comes true, what are the chances you’ll be okay?
    • In one week?______%     In one month?_____%

Tools for Keeping Your Negativity Biases in Check

  • Consciously Focus on the Positive: Because of evolution, negative experiences imprint themselves deeper in the brain. This is the reason why imprinting positive ones often needs to be a conscious, intentional effort. By shifting towards aspects of a situation that are positive or, at worst, neutral, you are training your brain to look for the positive, reducing emphasis on the negative.
  • Savor Positive Moments: When something happens that makes you feel good, don’t move on too quickly through it, soak it in. Take the time to immerse yourself in the experience. Then afterward, reflect and revisit it, relive it in your mind and share it with others. This repetition will ingrain it and make the experience more readily available to you, further diminishing the impact of the negativity bias.
  • Limit Exposure to Negative Stimuli: Ruminating on negative experiences is what evolution has wired your brain to do and replaying them is your amygdala’s attempt to try and avoid future pain, but that doesn’t mean you need to feed it. By minimizing your exposure to negative news, social media, and toxic environments and people, you give your nervous system a chance to rest, creating space for positive experiences to take root.

Ready to shift the balance?

Creating a balanced emotional state for yourself is a matter of noticing your biases, questioning their validity and shifting them. The change is both emotional and physical, so it takes time, consistency and patience. But with commitment, as well as learning to cherish and ingrain positive moments, noticeable changes in your internal thoughts and external responses will occur.

Life is full of experiences that deflate and empower us. By embracing both while learning to focus on the good, you can make peace with your past and move forward with greater resilience and joy.

Ready to Take Back Control and Shift Your Negativity Bias?

Download your free Negativity Bias Worksheet and start identifying own biases, questioning them, and begin practicing powerful tools like cognitive reframing and decatastrophizing to reduce anxiety, strengthen your emotional resilience, and open the door to a more joyful, empowered life.

Your past doesn’t have to define your future. When you recognize and reframe the patterns your brain has been unconsciously running, you reclaim your power—one thought at a time. Book a FREE introductory call and let’s explore what’s possible when your mindset works with you, not against you.