Tag Archives: MindsetMatters

What a Positive Mindset Really Means (Hint: It’s Not Just Positive Thinking)

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I am not sure how it came to be, but it was clearly defined in my mind: my blueprint for building and maintaining a positive mindset was embracing pleasant experiences and avoiding unpleasant ones. In the process of building a framework for applying this approach to my life, I developed a belief that conflict, disagreement, struggle, and adversity were all on the list of unpleasant experiences, and I went to great lengths to avoid them.

By young adulthood, this mindset had gradually transitioned my natural “peacemaking” temperament into one more aligned with “peacekeeping.” Instead of seeking resolution to inner turmoil and outer turbulence, I became passive and focused on avoiding conflict and maintaining order.

In the course of following this blueprint, I looked past a few key moments in my 20s, which, had I allowed myself to pay attention, feel, and question, I would have been able to see painful but real truths that would have altered the choices I made. Buried beneath my determination to avoid unpleasant experiences, these truths festered and eventually rose to the surface.

This is not a surprising outcome. Mental health experts agree that repressed emotions and feelings never dissipate, and in moments of acute stress most will eventually rise to the surface, insisting they be felt. The challenge for me, and most who are well practiced in emotional avoidance, is when they came to the forefront many years later, I had no tools to process them and no resilience to ride through them.

The realization of truths that I had avoided hit my psyche like bricks falling from a building, shaken loose by an intense internal quake. My foundation and all that I built upon it lay in pieces around me. The experience was fundamentally traumatic, and all I wanted was to be free of the pain.

From the rubble I rebuilt a structure that looked and felt new, but having been constructed from materials salvaged from my previous housing, it contained familiar elements. Although I did not recreate the situations I previously experienced, the element of pain avoidance was still a driving force. I had not let go of the belief that maintaining a positive mindset came from avoiding unpleasant emotions and experiences.

With this misguided thinking, I was ripe for the synthesized and homogenized positive soundbites being disseminated in society. Though useful as a tool for guiding one’s mind, they are unsustainable as a stand-alone approach to life. By fostering a forced optimism, the catchy phrases and feel-good mantras did not contribute to my real need, which was to build a mindset that would support me through all of life’s pleasant and less-than-pleasant moments with flexibility and resiliency.

Making constantly feeling good my goal set me up for failure over and over, often leading to spirals of negative self-judgment when I fell short. It took me a few years before I finally accepted that striving to feel good all the time is not realistic or healthy and was, in fact, not the path towards the contentment and serenity I sought.

It turns out, contentment and serenity are byproducts of a mindset practiced at responding to adversity in a healthy, head-on way. One that allows you to have experiences that you can learn and grow from, all the while trusting that you will bounce back to a place of equilibrium and not be held under waves of sadness or despair. The ability to tolerate and move through periods of discomfort will open you to experience all of life in a richer, more meaningful, and deeper way.

Happiness Is an Emotion — Not a Mindset
Referred to a positive mindset, this way of thinking is not about being happy all the time. In the true meaning, a positive mindset is about meeting all of life’s experiences with resiliency and flexibility, recognizing that anger, fear, uncertainty, and conflict are all part of the human experience. Instead of avoiding discomfort or burying it under unsupported mantras, a positive mindset makes room for it. Contentment and serenity are built by moving through hardships with awareness and intention, not avoiding them.

This concept is in direct opposition to what I call compulsory cheerfulness, which leads followers of this methodology to believe that unpleasant emotions are wrong and should be avoided or suppressed and that a never-faltering state of emotional happiness is both achievable and the path toward a stress-free life.

This way of approaching life will, on the surface, appear to create an aura of peace, but in time the words of even the most powerful mantras will break down, causing them to become empty and impotent. The utterer is left with nothing to hide behind and is forced to face the unpleasantness they were avoiding. Their unrealistic belief system crashes as disillusionment sets in since true lasting peace of mind is only achieved through embracing and experiencing the entire myriad of human experiences and the emotions that accompany them.

How You Can Develop a Positive Mindset Rooted in Reality

• Rewrite Your Vision of How Life Should Be
You set yourself up for frustration and disappointment when you hold onto the idea that life is supposed to go smoothly without bumps or setbacks. But the truth is, life was never meant to be without grief, sorrow, and anguish. It will deliver experiences such as the pain of the loss of someone close to you, the hurt of unrequited love, or disappointment at not getting the job you wanted. Anger in response to rude behavior, frustration in rush hour traffic or annoyances at any number of life stressors flesh out the modern human experience.

• Make Space for Discomfort
If you are practiced in the art of emotional suppression, the act of feeling your feelings will be a scary experience. One that may stimulate your fight-flight-freeze response, triggering an innate reaction to escape what you have trained your brain to believe is danger. But by allowing yourself to feel heavy emotions such as disappointment, sadness, anger, and frustration, they are able to move through you, rather than getting stuck.

• Get Curious
While building a flexible, resilient mindset means allowing yourself to experience strong emotions, it is important to remember that they may not always be based on accurate thinking or reflect your current reality. To shine a light on the scope and direction of the overarching themes of your thoughts, ask yourself questions along the lines of: Is this emotion triggered by a current truth or old belief? Is this emotion triggered by a thought meant to protect me or warn me about a perceived danger? Is there another perspective from where I can view the situation?

For example, if you consistently feel frustrated when circumstances don’t go your way, perhaps you are still harboring the thought that life should be smooth and easy. If you often feel disrespected or overlooked, maybe thoughts related to your worth are taking you down. Paying attention to your recurring thought themes and questioning their validity is a key way to stripping them of their power to trigger you.

 • Focus on What is in Your Control
Areas that are out of your scope of control include other people’s actions, unexpected events such as losing a job or developing a disease, and the state of the financial market. You fuel feelings of helplessness and hopelessness by fixating on these and other uncontrollable areas and occurrences. By focusing on what you can control, you are able to direct your energy in a forward-moving way, leading to a positive mindset.

• Practice Self-Compassion
Some days you will find yourself responding and moving through experiences with the flow of an expert and other days you will notice you are reacting by pushing and grinding against everything and everyone. Most often while in the latter mode, there is a part of you that knows you are needlessly lashing out or causing yourself internal suffering, but you seem incapable of switching tracks. Instead of adding the weight of self-judgment, do your best to embrace and then release any thoughts or feelings that come up.

Acknowledge that they may not be based on facts, but they need to be felt. Through the lens of self-compassion, you set the stage for a more flexible and resilient way of responding in the future.

The Bottom Line
Building a positive mindset is different from practicing toxic positivity. The goal is not to avoid unpleasantness but to establish a way of responding where emotional pain does not control you. It is about building a positive mindset by feeling life’s hurts, disappointments, and pain while trusting that you have the resilience to move through while reclaiming your base level of contentment and serenity, byproducts of a positive mindset.

Being open to all that life has to offer allows you to experience a fuller, richer life, and engage in it in a deeper, more meaningful way. This is not an overnight process, but the above are steps that you can take which will build your flexibility and resiliency, which are the cornerstones of a positive mindset.

If you’re ready to build a mindset that supports you through life’s ups and downs  with more calm, confidence, and clarity I’d love to help.

Schedule a free, no-obligation discovery call to explore how mindset coaching can help you move through challenges with greater ease and resilience. Book your call today: www.lynncrockercoaching.com/free-intro-call

Why Negative Experiences Stick—and How to Shift Your Mindset to Let Them Go

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The feeling struck deep and hard, plummeting my mood into darkness, causing my heart to race and my gut to engage in acrobatic flips and somersaults. Triggered by a seemingly unrelated event, I left the world of the present and traveled back in time. My mind recalled a situation, though different in appearance, but similar in response, where I felt my brain switch from a rational, responsive mode to a survival mode characterized by a fight or flight mentality.

In that instance, my physical life was not in danger, but my emotional body was. The threat to my well-being came in the form of a critical boss and her unreasonable demands for perfection.  Once a confident, proud worker, I became skittish and nervous; a state which hindered my work. I perceived the danger of the loss of livelihood. Anxiety was my constant companion.

The impact on my nervous system left a lasting impression. The emotional energy of the experience, which was meant to inform my sympathetic system and flow through it, became hard and solidified.

Today, with that situation 35 years in the past, I marvel at its ability to stay just below the surface of my conscious mind. Far enough down to not be easily detected, but close enough to instantly inform my body and ready it for a fight.

And I wondered – why do negative experiences solidify and remain in our psyche while positive ones seem to fly away in the wind? In my example, why have the positive experiences that I had with five subsequent supervisors not imprinted as strongly as the one bad one?

The answer is rooted in our brain’s wiring, specifically the amygdala. The amygdala is a structure deep inside the brain that plays an important role in processing emotions in response to external sensory stimuli, and evolution has caused it to be particularly sensitive to threats to our survival.

This negativity bias was initially formed to quickly identify physical dangers and propel our bodies into a fight or flight response by bypassing the brain’s rational thought process. The amygdala also plays a role in identifying social threats which may trigger our expulsion from the safety of a tribe or clan.

And this is where the amygdala can go haywire in today’s society.

Most of us are privileged to live in cities and towns where threats to our physical safety are rare. We go for walks in our neighborhoods without concern and trips to the grocery store are not preceded by apprehension or fear for our safety. Even so, the number of adults who express feeling anxiety at some point each day is increasing each year, demonstrating that while external threats are low, our amygdala is responding as if the circumstances were different. Overstimulated by a constant stream of information, and overworked responding to social triggers, work and financial stressors, the amygdala remains in a heightened state of alert, viewing everything as a threat.   

Once the key to our survival, this negativity bias can work against us in the modern world. Viewing everything as a threat results in a fearful and limiting mindset that blocks feelings of hopefulness while stamping out inspiration, stalling action and limiting our opportunities to fulfill our hopes and dreams. Though safe from perceived harm, our potential is diminished.

Take Back Control – Actively Cultivate A Hopeful, Positive Mindset

Although the negativity bias is rooted in the wiring of the amygdala, there are actions that you can take to minimize its impact by consciously shifting your thoughts and resulting behavior.

Be Aware of Your Biases

Before you can shift your biases, you first need to bring them to the surface. This is done through honest self-reflection supported by a non-judgmental, curious approach. Take time to reflect and write down experiences that could have negatively shaped your view of yourself and how safe you feel in the world.

Were you the target of harsh or excessive criticism as a child? Excessive disapproval from authority figures often leads to an adult who is a perfectionist and hard on themselves when they make mistakes. This causes them to avoid new experiences where they could be judged or seen as less than perfect.

As a child were you often told that you were being “too sensitive”? Feedback along these lines could shape a person’s belief that feelings were not valid or worse, wrong, and lead them towards separating from their emotions and developing a tough exterior to keep their softer self safe from judgment.

Can you recall social situations where your younger self experienced exclusion or rejection by your peers? Social rejection triggers the negativity bias because, from an evolutionary standpoint, being ostracized from the clan once meant imminent dangers in the form of wild animals and starvation.

Did you grow up in an environment that felt unsafe? Situations of physical or emotional abuse, financial insecurity, the instability of living with someone who has mental health or substance abuse challenges, and frequent moves are all examples that can lead to a hyper-vigilant mindset that is always on the alert.

As an adult, have you experienced work and relationship traumas? Biases are not just formed in childhood. Experiences as an adult can trigger their formation. A work environment where your ideas and efforts are undervalued or dismissed will lead a person to being less likely to speak up and share insights. Being in a relationship with someone who acts unpredictably leads to behaviors intent on keeping the peace as a way to stay safe.  

Cognitive Reframing: Now that you have become aware of your biases, you can begin to restructure through cognitive reframing. Referring to the process of challenging, and changing, irrational thoughts, this technique is used to shift your mindset so you can look at your experiences from a slightly different, less triggering perspective. While it’s important to acknowledge past pain, reframing negative experiences can reduce their emotional weight, leading to opportunities for healing and growth.

Decatastrophizing

A powerful tool for reframing past negative experiences and regulating the impact of the amygdala on your behavior is decatastrophizing. This technique helps you challenge catastrophic loop thinking. By exploring the realistic consequences of a situation through a series of questions, you can interrupt your brain’s automatic threat response and create space for new ways of thinking, opening the door to new experiences.

Take a look at the negativity biases which you wrote down. For each one, question its validity in your life as it stands now. Ask yourself:

  • What am I worried about?
  • How likely is it that my worry will come true? Give examples of experiences that support your answer.
  • If your worry does come true, what is the worst that could happen?
  • If your worry does come true, what is most likely to happen?
  • If your worry comes true, what are the chances you’ll be okay?
    • In one week?______%     In one month?_____%

Tools for Keeping Your Negativity Biases in Check

  • Consciously Focus on the Positive: Because of evolution, negative experiences imprint themselves deeper in the brain. This is the reason why imprinting positive ones often needs to be a conscious, intentional effort. By shifting towards aspects of a situation that are positive or, at worst, neutral, you are training your brain to look for the positive, reducing emphasis on the negative.
  • Savor Positive Moments: When something happens that makes you feel good, don’t move on too quickly through it, soak it in. Take the time to immerse yourself in the experience. Then afterward, reflect and revisit it, relive it in your mind and share it with others. This repetition will ingrain it and make the experience more readily available to you, further diminishing the impact of the negativity bias.
  • Limit Exposure to Negative Stimuli: Ruminating on negative experiences is what evolution has wired your brain to do and replaying them is your amygdala’s attempt to try and avoid future pain, but that doesn’t mean you need to feed it. By minimizing your exposure to negative news, social media, and toxic environments and people, you give your nervous system a chance to rest, creating space for positive experiences to take root.

Ready to shift the balance?

Creating a balanced emotional state for yourself is a matter of noticing your biases, questioning their validity and shifting them. The change is both emotional and physical, so it takes time, consistency and patience. But with commitment, as well as learning to cherish and ingrain positive moments, noticeable changes in your internal thoughts and external responses will occur.

Life is full of experiences that deflate and empower us. By embracing both while learning to focus on the good, you can make peace with your past and move forward with greater resilience and joy.

Ready to Take Back Control and Shift Your Negativity Bias?

Download your free Negativity Bias Worksheet and start identifying own biases, questioning them, and begin practicing powerful tools like cognitive reframing and decatastrophizing to reduce anxiety, strengthen your emotional resilience, and open the door to a more joyful, empowered life.

Your past doesn’t have to define your future. When you recognize and reframe the patterns your brain has been unconsciously running, you reclaim your power—one thought at a time. Book a FREE introductory call and let’s explore what’s possible when your mindset works with you, not against you.