Summary : Discover how your recurring reactions and inner voices are shaped by past experiences and how self-compassion, mindfulness, journaling, can help you understand and reframe these “little selves,” transforming negative self-talk into a more supportive mindset.

“Why did you do that?” My tone was loving but demanding.

She exuded the energy of a cornered animal; every sense heightened to seize a moment to run. Feeling  her fear, I reached out and implored her to relax. As her anxiety diminished, I saw the depths of her despair and anguish.

“Let me help free you,” was my plea.

I cared deeply for her, but this empathetic response to her behavior was not always the case. The fact is, her responses and subsequent exaggerated reactions to all levels of perceived disrespect created an immense burden for me. At the mere hint of a personal slight she would blow up, scattering emotional debris far and wide, leaving me to clean up the mess, while she, spent of energy, huddled in the corner.

Her name is Tess and she has a few siblings. There is Nancy, whose pessimism creates unproductive worry for me. Charlotte, whose idealistic nature and constant pushing against “what is” and trying to assert how she believes things “should be” creates disillusionment and conflict for me. Marie, whose inflexible nature causes me hardship and duress whenever the flow of life does not follow a familiar, steadfast path. And Susan’s desire to create peace causes my self-deprecating deference to the wants and desires of others.

In actuality, these are not separate entities, but a part of me presenting as facets of my mindset. Thinking of them as my little selves, I came to understand that they were formed through a feedback loop between my experiences and my responses to them.

While we each have natural tendencies and temperaments, it’s our repeated thoughts, emotional interpretations, and learned responses that most shape how we filter experiences and choose to respond. Repeated responses are perceived by your brain as important, so they become entrenched, guaranteeing ease of future access.  

I recognize that as a child I exhibited tendencies towards being a peace-making perfectionist who desired predictability, was wary of strangers and preferred to be alone. This baseline temperament was nurtured in a quiet, safe and predictable home life. Yes, there were arguments and occasionally an outright blow up, and I can recall events which I label as upsetting or hurtful, but as a whole I felt loved and protected. I was allowed quiet time for solo play and creative exploration. Dinner was at 5:30pm, and we vacationed at the same location for two weeks every summer. Although predictable, my childhood was not without experiences to which I needed to respond. For example, when an unforeseeable event occurred, my negative interpretation of it triggered me to react in a resistant way. A subsequent feedback loop was formed, eventually causing the little self I refer to as Marie to take shape.

A need to restore a sense of peace after an argument started solidifying as Susan, and disappointment at having something I wanted not to transpire, gave birth to Nancy, whose pessimism was intended to protect me by keeping my hopes in check.  

Formed through repeated thoughts and emotional reactions, these feedback loops strongly influenced my behavior whether I was conscious of it or not.

However, up until my mid-30s I was entirely ignorant of this process.   

While my childhood and teen years were ones of safety and stability, young adulthood was not. I thrust myself into social settings and interpersonal relationships that drained me. My career choice did not match my need for predictability and my home life was chaotic and argumentative.  

Left unchecked, my little selves ran amok in an attempt to process the onslaught of precarious experiences and keep me safe. The thought patterns associated with these parts of me often triggered feelings of uneasiness, disenchantment, rigidity, and self-criticism. The strain and duress of navigating this existence deteriorated my mental health and by my early 30s I was depressed and desperate.

Seeking answers, I was introduced to the model of the Cognitive Triangle, which describes how our thoughts influence how we feel, which influences our actions, which influence our thoughts.

Empowered by the awareness of this feedback loop, I cultivated a mindfulness practice as a way to see my little selves in action. Observing their behaviors as an outsider, I noted their thought patterns and emotional responses. And I saw how these patterns and responses shaped my mindset, influenced my feelings, and drove my actions.But instead of seeking to understand them and why they formed, I judged.

Every time I caught myself tense and anxious over a changed itinerary, triggering an impulse to cancel the trip, or felt myself pushing down on the accelerator in response to being cut off in traffic, or deliberately neglecting to follow up with a friend because I assumed their lack of response to my voice mail was a confirmation that I was not worthy of effort, I filled my head with rants of criticism and disgust. Questions along the lines of: ‘Why are you so inflexible? Why are you always afraid? Why did you get mad at that?’ rolled around in my head. The rhetorical tone was meant to push the thoughts away rather than to gain an enlightened answer. But the more hate and disgust that I pointed towards my little selves and their limiting thoughts, the stronger they became, seeming to feed on the negative, poisonous energy.

Fortunately, I realized my misguided approach. I understood what my little selves needed was not for me to push against them with hate and judgement, causing hurt and separation, but to accept them with love and appreciation, allowing for healing and integration.

Through this approach, I began to view Tess, Nancy, Charlotte, and Marie as my children. Adopting a parental role to my little selves helped me embrace and accept them, prompting feelings of love rather than annoyance. Instead of getting mad at my little selves, I began to embrace all of them as part of me. This does not mean that I allow them to run amok and create at will. I am an ever-vigilant observer, always on the lookout for unproductive conversations and impulses to engage in behaviors that are not in line with my goals and aspirations. When this happens, my internal parent takes over and lovingly and empathetically seeks to understand.

For example, I became curious why Tess reacted violently towards being cut off in traffic. Why did that person’s behavior prompt a volcanic reaction which caused her to hijack rational mental processing and engage in a speed chase that, at best, would yield nothing but trouble? Initially, the answer did not come to me. But by staying in a mind space of open curiosity, an answer slowly bubbled up. Recalling other situations where she reacted similarly, I understood the prominent thought which drove all of Tess’ behavior was the assumption that she was being disrespected. She interpreted being cut off in traffic as an indication that the perpetrator of the action thought they were better than her. With this pre-set notion, it was no wonder she was so upset. She made what most likely had nothing to do with her, very personal!

From this place of empathy and understanding, I learned to whisper “it’s not personal” any time I felt her anger rising. Following up with “you will never know why that person did what they did. The reasons are many and have nothing to do with you.” The sentiments calmed Tess at the moment and, with the help of repeated reminders, in time, her responses softened and her need to take control dissipated.

In this way, I communicated with the other selves. I let each know that they were safe while showing them how their learned responses can be dissected and healed for greater happiness and peace.

We are all made up of little selves. Meaning we all have repeated thought patterns and habitual emotional reactions that keep us in a place of repeating behaviors that do not align with the type of person we strive to be. Instead of judging or berating yourself for your behavior, become a detective and discover why you reacted the way that you did. Seeking to understand prompts a positive, loving internal dialog and creates an open arena where your little selves feel free to express their most intimate, vulnerable truths. And in this raw light, you can begin to see and understand them, establishing a path of healing

Journaling was key to my process, and I recommend it to anyone who is interested in sussing out and addressing the unproductive thoughts of their little selves. By genuinely seeking information through targeted questions and writing out whatever comes to mind, you will create an arena to see your little selves in action.

Once on paper, you can challenge them and begin to reframe the assumptions behind them, thereby rewriting your inner dialog. Though consistent practice, these new thought patterns can begin to take root, gradually shaping a more positive mindset which begins to influence your thoughts and behaviors, allowing you to enjoy an increased level of contentment.  

Viewing your little selves as reflections of your experiences that are trying to keep you safe, and not as flaws, allows you to approach them with curiosity and compassion. From here you can begin to rewrite your inner dialog and shape a more supportive mindset.

Ready to Meet Your Little Selves?
Download this free guided worksheet to help you identify your inner emotional patterns, uncover the stories behind them, and begin reframing your inner dialogue with compassion and clarity.

Your past doesn’t have to define your future. When you recognize and reframe the patterns your brain has been unconsciously running, you reclaim your power—one thought at a time. Book a FREE introductory call and let’s explore what’s possible when your mindset works with you, not against you.